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| Rated: 4.67/5 | Votes: 6 | Views: 86 |Submitted: 03/14/10 |
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Backwoods
Camping is dangerous. Why do people insist on doing it? Holiday Inn, Marriott, hell, even La Quinta Inns are less dangerous if you live in the movie world. Scary woodsmen seem to enjoy preying on campers. The particular group in Backwoods likes to capture pretty young ladies to take home. How else are more ugly, scary woodsmen babies created? There’s a whole community to think about, after all. Why does a group of young executives head out to the woods then? For a team building excursion, of course! They head out for a paintball trip that will bring the co-workers together and make the working environment that much better. However, one thing these young, go-getters must remember is that when you stop for gas and the “locals” grunt at you in way of answering, perhaps it’s best to keep moving toward your destination. This means you do NOT let the lone non-grunter talk you into an awesome, out of the way spot for your paintball fun. Why go somewhere that’s actually on a map? No, silly! Take the advice of the scary dudes—when does that ever steer you wrong? Let the games begin! As the two teams begin roaming around the woods wearing their fatigues and paintball guns, they stumble upon strange traps and an old, broken down farm house. This may spoil the movie, but I must tell you…they investigate. I know—shocking right? The paintball enthusiasts soon find they aren’t alone. A large community of survivalists are hanging out in the backwoods, looking for “handmaidens of the lord” to help keep up their dwindling population. (Oh, and to help in their meth lab.) Only fertile women need apply please. No need to recruit for this cult! So when crazy Ranger Ricks (played by Mark Rolston from Saw V and VI) thinks the paintballers are actually members of the FBI who are spraying the area with Agent Orange, he and the others capture the gang and make use of who, and what, they need. The movie also stars Haylie Duff (Napoleon Dynamite) who makes for some nice eye candy in her bikini, Ryan Merriman (Final Destination 3 and The Ring 2) and Danny Nucci (World Trade Center and Titanic). Directed by Marty Weiss and written by Anthony Jaswinski, Backwoods is a quick thrill ride that keeps moving, taking you on an adventure of ‘what will happen next.’ It may not be a new story, but it’s certainly one worth watching. Best line of the movie: “You can’t buy the pain that’ll come down on your cracker asses.” - Sharon Foss |
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