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| Rated: 5.00/5 | Votes: 1 | Views: 431 |Submitted: 06/15/09 |
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KING KONG VS. GODZILLA
It's an idea that seems to have been handed down from God to Moses upon Mount Sinai. Godzilla, Japan's resident evil (and intermittent savior), pitted against King Kong, cinema's eighth world wonder, in the most beastly of battle royales. It's the ultimate grudge match, the spectacle of spectacles -- or at least it would be, if the makers of 1962's King Kong vs. Godzilla possessed any number of shits to give. While by no means did I anticipate high art, I did expect something with a tad more decorum than this, a benchmark in ridiculousness for a franchise that's already had the hell chintzified out of it. Depending on how you look at it, King Kong vs. Godzilla is either a series reboot or an utterly misinformed lead-off from the events of Godzilla Raids Again. In any case, the "story" (heavy emphasis on the quotation marks) centers on two different discoveries of monstrous magnitude. An American submarine checking out changes in Japanese fishing currents meets an untimely end following a rendezvous with an iceberg. The harbinger of their doom turns out to be none other than Godzilla, freed from his icy prison and presently making a beeline for Japan. Meanwhile, a TV station's expedition to an exotic island yields equally colossal results. Sent to bring back samples of a special berry, the troupe instead comes across Kong, a discovery they can't resist hauling back home with them. But when Godzilla resumes his destructive rampage, it falls upon the shoulders of mighty Kong to engage the atomic behemoth in a rumble to decide Japan's fate. If Wikipedia is to be trusted (and when have they ever led anyone astray?), King Kong vs. Godzilla is the result of two different projects coming together. Those handling the Godzilla franchise expressed hopes about taking it in a lighter direction (a move officially known as "pulling a Schumacher"), while Kong's creators pondered battling the Frankenstein monster in a new sequel. One thing led to another, gallons of alcohol were presumably shared, and these moronic ideas melded to form the festering ball of sheer stupid that is King Kong vs. Godzilla. I know these sound like pretty harsh words for an essentially innocent monster mash, which is true to an extent. Godzilla has seen worse hours in his tour of duty, and lest we forget that the most prominent copy of the film has been given an Americanized once-over. In addition to the requisite awful dubbing, there's a series of "news reports" that take pleasure in breaking flow every chance they get. But not only are they painfully obstrusive, they rewrite Godzilla's origins so that he's a dinosaur that's been trapped for millions of years. Japan would probably want to move on after a Godzilla attack, but you'd think they wouldn't dismiss a city-stomping lizard like they would a taco fart. When it comes down to it, though, Godzilla remains in relatively fine shape. He blows up some tanks, demolishes a few buildings, and his look remains on the tolerable side of cartoony. The Big G still plays the part of the villain, so he's quite not the kid-friendly joke he'd become in future installments. But the same can't be said for poor Kong, depicted with quite possibly the worst monkey suit in cinema history. Say what you will about the cheese-tastic '70s version of King Kong, but the gargantuan gorilla was in far better condition than here, where the rare moment Kong's roars sync up with his mouth is a cause for celebration. Plus, for being the "hero" of the movie, he sure doesn't do much except throw rocks and get the crap beaten out of him. Kong's presence is hardly a rousing one, and with its habit of lethargically pressing onward under the most ludicrous of circumstances, you can't even appreciate the flick for its camp value. But as I mentioned before, King Kong vs. Godzilla is all silly fun in the end, so it does retain a small handful of goofy charms. The titular titans really go all-out for the final showdown, filled with all the dropkicks and trees rammed down throats kaiju buffs could ask for. But it should be said that the road to this cheesy goodness is an arduous one, and while it's not a complete washout, King Kong vs. Godzilla is hardly the epic meeting of the monster minds you'd hope it would be. MY RATING: ** (out of ****) Reviewer: A.J. Hakari |
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