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Ten Reasons To Avoid The Doctor And so we begin our first ever top ten horror-themed list with a well-deserved trip to the clutches of medical personnel. Let’s face it, kids…it’s scary in there. Syringes full of who knows what, bills of shocking depth and breadth, and don’t even get me started on the prostate. Thus, without further ado, the top ten doctors that you’re praying aren’t in your coverage network! 10. Doctor Frankenstein  A little throwback to the classics, and the first doctor to discover the ability to bring his patients back from the dead, this guy’s a wackjob and a throwback besides. The prospect of getting wheeled into his OR might well have you looking for leeches. That and he’s constantly hanging out with the scoliosis case, Igor. 9. Doctor Gangrene  The man who gave us the Attack of , Return of, and the invasion of France by Killer Tomatoes can’t help but get a spot on the list. It’s not every insane mad scientist with the foresight or sheer balls-out insanity to consider vegetables the means to global domination, so here’s to you, Doc Gangrene! 8. Doctor Malcolm  Sitting through Jurassic Park: The Lost World is cringeworthy enough by itself, but the fact that somehow Jeff Goldblum’s Doctor Ian Malcolm was supposed to be an action hero is even more horrifying. Oh, sure…I could’ve picked Doc Wu since he was responsible for the whole mess, but let’s be honest, that franchise was packed with more halfassed PhD’s run amok than any other movie before it. And seriously—Jeff Goldblum is just unpleasant to watch for any length of time. 7. Doc Loomis  The man who allowed Behind the Mask to coin the term Ahab, the scarred and single-minded Doc Loomis has been hunting Michael Myers since time out of mind. And while he may have died in the pursuit, you know that with his last breath, he spat at thee, Michael. 6. Doctor Giggles  Man, when you let Larry Drake loose with surgical implements and a license to laugh as creepily as he can generate, you’ve got a figure of surprising scariness who is just sorely underused. A Doctor Giggles sequel would probably prove much better direct to video fodder than any dozen or so titles we can all name. 5. Doctor Ripper  Christopher Piggins brings this lesser-known medical maniac to life in the direct-to-video film “$la$her$”, about a game show run horribly amok. Not only does Piggins do an excellent job of projecting a cold and thoroughly clinical menace, he also really knows how to handle a bone shear. 4. Doctor Vannacutt  The insane asylum warden from both House on Haunted Hill installments favored shock therapy in groups of eighteen and all sorts of insane methods. He also lived and worked in an insane asylum that could become an impenetrable fortress with the throwing of a lever. Also, he’s played by legendary figure Jeffrey Combs, and you can’t beat that. 3. Doctor West  Another win for Jeffrey Combs! Herbert West, the man synonymous with malpractice in research from H.P. Lovecraft’s stories, is the man who put Miskatonic University on the map—as well as made Jeffrey Combs a modern horror legend. West’s unflappable nature in the face of sheer chaos makes him a terrifying figure who would just as soon bring you back from the dead as save your life in the first place. 2. Doctor Lecter  Got you there, kids—bet you thought he’d be number one! Hannibal Lecter, ladies and gentlemen—you can’t have a top ten scary doctors list without the man who took cannibalism from Pacific islands and made it a horror movie staple. Lecter’s almost casual brutality combined with urbanity and extreme cultural prowess make him a force to be reckoned with—as several have found out the hard way. And the number one scariest doctor on the list: Patch Adams  Some of you are no doubt groaning and calling for a blood sample the size of a couple gallon buckets to be taken from me right now, but let’s be honest—if you’re about to go under the knife, is the last thing you want to see just before they slip that mask over your head and tell you to count back from one hundred Robin Williams with a scalpel? I really don’t want a doctor with a sense of humor cutting me open—do you really want your last words to be: TAKE OFF THAT CLOWN NOSE AND STOP FUCKING AROUND, YOU MORON! I’VE GOT APPENDICI---! Of course, as you flatlined and saw the world gradually boil away toward your inevitable eternal fate, the last words that would chase you down into the darkness would be “You mean you HAD appendicitis.” Possibly followed by the gentle laughter of scrub nurses. And that’s really scary. by: Steve Anderson |
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